Will you PLEASE just put your shoes on?

I know I’m not the only person who starts most of their days exasperatingly asking a toddler to just sit still and put their shoes on. Michael McIntyre perfectly summed up leaving the house with kids in a sketch that I cry laugh at time and time again, sometimes I just cry.

Getting a small person to cooperate with getting dressed and then get ready to leave the house is my Everest. We only have to leave the house a couple of mornings a week, but those mornings are fraught with tantrums, tears and my inner monologue that could land me in a heap of trouble if it every came to light.

As I’m sure I’m not the only one I’ve put together an unprofessional guide to leaving the house with a toddler. Maybe don’t take this too seriously:
  1. Count to three. There is nothing more terrifying to a child than the prospect of their mum getting to three. There is nothing more terrifying for a mum than counting to three and then having to do something about it. “Right I’ve counted to three, I’m really cross now. Please put on your shoes.”
  2. Bribe them. Don’t bring out the big guns first, start small, offer a packet of raisins, then go in for the Pom Bears, peak with a new toy from The Entertainer and chocolate for breakfast for a week if you’re struggling. You’re in survival mode now.
  3. Make your life easier and dress them before they wake up.
  4. Quit your job, take them out of childcare, never leave the house.
  5. Stop being unreasonable. Come on now, are you sure it’s not just you?
  6. Tell them you’ll phone Daddy / Mummy / Granny / Santa / The Easter Bunny and tell them they’re being really naughty. Watch them not care.
  7. Tell them that’s it, you’re not taking them out, and go and sit on the sofa in front of Lorraine. Watch them call your bluff.
  8. Plead. Beg. Shed a tear.
  9. Tell them they’ll have to leave the house without shoes and their feet will fall off because of the cold.
  10. And repeat.

Good luck!


S xxx

Bra day

Bra day: When R refused to leave without my bras.


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