As I furiously cleaned the IKEA highchair with wet wipes before setting Reuben in at lunch at the local Country Park today, I briefly paused and wondered when I became “that person” (when R was born duhh). Being a mum is now so natural to me now that I do “mum things” without thinking, but sometimes I do get slightly taken aback and think “oh Christ I’m so near to licking a tissue and wiping Reuben (and maybe even Ben’s) face” – seriously when did that happen?
Here are some more things us mum’s do without thinking, that my teen self would have yelled “WHO IS SHE?” at:
- Nappies – an obvious one, but poo and wee, poo under fingernails when you’ve pulled the side to check and been caught off-guard, I don’t even bat an eyelid, sh*t happens eh?!
- Food fights – usually these are one way in my house. But until you’ve had a plate of spag bol or a pot of yoghurt thrown at you, and had to clean it off yourself and the wall, floors, doors, ceiling even, you have not lived.
- Parental Tourette’s – “TRACTOR” “TRAIN” “DOG” “BUS” I shout these words a lot, must be accompanied by pointing, and unless you want to be stared at, make sure your child is with you.
- The bedtime panic – not your child’s bedtime, yours. Nothing scares me more than not being in bed by 10pm. At the weekend I rebel and watch Alan Carr, but I usually record Graham Norton because that finishes at 23:30, and staying up that late is just crazy, you might as well not go to bed.
- Overenthused merriment – this could be clapping, cheering, whooping, high fiving, maybe even a high ten, over seemingly normal things. “He ate a whole slice of toast YEAHHHH!” “He said mummy WAHOOOO!” “He got into his pram without punching me in the face and screaming so loud I’m concerned people think he’s not my child, high ten!”
- Dressing comfortably / sensibly – I like my walking shoes and Cath Kidston waterproof jacket, they’re practical and in some friendship circles, fashionable even.
- Giving up shots – because I’m not totally crazy.
- Crafting – yep we make stuff with paper plates, shredded paper, Pom poms, basically with anything that comes in that jar of “stuff” in The Entertainer for a fiver.
- Annual memberships – National Trust? Check. Local farm and adventure park? Check. Because you need places to take your children to tire them out so they sleep. Anywhere with vast open spaces so you can shout “I bet you can’t run as fast as a dog” at them to make sure they get really tired are the best.
- 8am is a lie-in – yep.
Trying to run as fast as a dog bless him.